Oh well well it’s been too long.
So where do I start?
Hmmmm.. Ok I think I know..
So, I kicked off 2019 with a resolution: limiting my social media activity (Instagram). I challenged myself. It was hard, to be honest. Scrolling on social media was like a habit to me that eventually becomes an addiction. I was shocked shocked that my iPhone stats reported that I spent 8 hours (everyday) on the phone and I can confirm that at least half of those times was spent on Instagram only. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a very good platform. I also have a business that’s very Instagram-driven. We started as a small business on Instagram so needless to say it’s helped our business grow. Personally, it has connected me with a lot of friends. I’m happy that I can still keep in touch with some old friends and those whom I can’t meet everyday. I also meet some great new friends through Instagram and I really love that.
My first born, Abigail, one day sat next to me as I was scrolling down the Instagram. She was there for a while and suddenly said
“Mama, why are you always checking people’s life on Instagram and why you always want to share everything on Instagram?”
I was slapped. This kid, you know. She’s witty like that. I hate it sometimes (well, many times haha!). But let’s be fair, she’s right. So I put down my phone but that didn’t really stop me.
Until I reached the point that I felt unhealthy. It got very toxic to me because I started comparing myself with some friends. I start comparing everything I have with theirs. I got nosey with people’s life. I started scrutinising their life, which was certainly none of my business. Yes, I was a stalker (haha!). I wanted to know what’s going on in their life. Sometimes I pitied what’s happening to them, I judged their decisions, or merely gave unessential comments over something. There are also times, I want their life. They are prettier, cooler, happier, etc etc. “Envy” is too harsh a word that could describe. I’m embarrassed to admit that I actually do envy (many times). And the bad news is, it affects my mood in real life, too. I got competitive sometimes. “Comparison is the thief of joy” is indeed true. When I was done comparing myself and feeling either inferior or superior, I started making justification, which later I knew from my husband that justification is just another form comparison. The deceiving kind of comparison. Haha!
I want to start new year with a new me, a healthier me, a happier me, a more loving-me. I wanted to practice generosity and positive mind. I don’t want to destroy myself with negativity. Most of all, I want to be more present, with my children, my husband, and myself. I want to make time for what really matters.
What I did at first was just limiting my time on Instagram, 1 hour each day max. I didn’t post as much and as often as I did last year. The impact was quite good, actually. I could get things done faster (haha!). I also dug through piles of my long-abandoned books and actually finish reading some of them. Both Abigail and Benaya are happier (or so I hope) because no camera following them as often (I am a mamarazzi just so you know) and they don’t get to hear me saying “wait a minute I need to post this on Instagram first. I’ll come right away after this” all the time as I was checking videos of photos of them and thinking for the best captions. It wasn’t easy slowing down from Instagram, it takes practice and commitment. And finally I can say that it was liberating… And the good news is (or bad news?) the Instagram app stop working on my phone since two weeks ago. So initially, there was some problem with my phone’s memory. I deleted some apps (including Instagram) and couldn’t seem to download the app again. Maybe it’s a sign that I have to take this Instagram-free life to another level. Of course I can always check in my account on my husband’s phone but I hesitated. We’ll see if I can survive.
Fingers crossed! Also, I hope this also means I can write more here. Oh I miss writing a long post like this one and it actually feels good.